Transitioning Into My Own Life
by totescraycrayconconbonbon
Summary: Bella didn't move in with Charlie during her Junior year of High School. In fact, she had already graduated High School in Arizona before she moved in with her father to figure out what to do with her life. With what will she be met in Forks? Rated T for some course language, don't know the pairing yet!


**Alrighty, guys! This is my first ever Twilight fanfiction! I am very excited to embark on this journey with you all! I will say that some of the characters may be OOC. I haven't read the books in a long while, and am just writing the characters in line with my story. I don't know with whom Bella will share a romance, or if one will even occur. I'm just out here tryna have a good fuckin time!**

**I own nothing, but Stephanie Meyers sure does!**

Chapter One: Shit, My Life's a Fuckin Mess

You know, despite being the accountable person in my household of two, I've never given much thought to my future. Renee's friends ask me what I'm going to do now that I'm a couple weeks into being a High School graduate. Will I go to college? What career will I be pursuing? Where do I want to end up? Do I want to meet a nice man and settle down now or later? The answer to all of these questions is a mumbled "Oh, I dunno", an embarrassed shrug, and an apple red face.

I've never really let myself think about life after High School. Life after "childhood". It's such an odd concept to me. I feel like I've been an adult my entire life- Renee, herself, swears up and down I was born middle-aged. People are asking what I will do now that I'm an adult, not realizing I've _been_ an adult for years. Renee, my… _eccentric_ mother has always needed me to keep our lives in order. Bills, meals, dates, and times were all left to me from the time I could understand their importance, or nothing would get done. I've never indulged in the thought of life without my mother, of leaving her. Of finding my own life. Now that I've gotten to the point where the rest of the world recognizes me as an adult, it's been on my mind _often_.

Should I go to college? Can't right now, I missed all of the application deadlines. Should I take a "gap year" and explore life through the eyes of a traveler, seeing wonders I've rarely let myself dream of? Honestly, kind of laughable. Should I enter the workforce and figure my life out later? Appealing, but disappointing. The answer to my question, surprisingly enough, came from my loving and happy, yet hairbrained mother.

"Maybe you should stay with Charlie for the summer, sweetie," she suggested, eyes sad, but smile soft.

Charlie. My father. Huh. I actually haven't seen him in a couple years. We usually vacation for a couple weeks every summer, but he had to cancel last summer because there had been bear attacks in his small town. As Police Chief of Forks, he couldn't get away due to the amount of deaths piling around the animals. He also couldn't make it to my graduation this past month because the day he was due to fly out to Arizona, one of his best friends, Harry Clearwater, had a heart attack and died. He stayed behind to help make funeral arrangements. I understood.

The second I thought of going to Forks, dread curled up in my chest. Ugh, Forks. I _hate_ Forks. It's small, green, wet, grey, and suffocating. I almost blurted out a violent denial when Charlie flew into my mind.

I surprised myself with the intense longing that surged from my heart and gripped at my lungs. A lump worked its way up my throat at the thought of my father. Quiet and awkward, but sweet and understanding. Protective- loving in a silent, gentle way. _I miss my father_, I realized.

But could I leave my mother?

"I… I don't know if I can leave you," I quietly admitted, sounding like a scared child. Like always, however, Renee could read me like a book.

"Isabella Marie Swan," she said, hands moving sternly to her hips, "I am a grown ass woman and can take care of myself. I'm…" her face fell, eyes brimmed with tears as sorrow and regret falter her voice. "I can't tell you how sorry I am that you've been forced to be an adult so much longer than you've been 18. I've been selfish your entire life, and I hadn't even noticed how bad it'd gotten until you seemed reluctant to move forward into your life. Honey," she gently stopped my rising protest, extending her hand into the empty air between us.

"Please don't deny it, hun. You've always been mature. We both know that. However, it was wrong of me to take advantage of how responsible and rational you are. Allowing you to take on the responsibilities of a parent is never a child's job- even a mature one. I took your freedom for so long. Your childhood… I won't do it anymore- I CAN'T do it anymore." She finished, a hand coming up to cup my cheek, thumbs caressing tears I hadn't known were falling from my face.

"Don't say that, mom," I choked out, intense sadness blooming in my ribs and crawling up my chest. "I've never once disliked living here, with you. I've never resented you, or have gotten angry over how we live our lives. It works, _we_ work. Cooking, cleaning, being reliable… I like it." I couldn't help but pull my face from her hands and hide in embarrassment at my next mumbled admission. "You know that I've never really had friends or anyone in my life other than you and dad… being reliable at home feels right."

I left out the part where it made me feel like I was worth something. Couldn't let her know the extent to which I'm pathetic.

I just didn't relate well to other kids. It was better with adults, but still not good. There was still a disconnect somewhere that repelled me from other people. My mom's my best friend. Always has been. While I realized that, at some level, it was unhealthy for my mother and father to be the only relationships I had in my life, I never let myself dwell on the thought for too long. If I opened that can of worms, there would be no closing it. I would have to stare at my bedroom wall for days- weeks even- before I could conceptualize how to move forward with whatever conclusion to which I come.

Unbeknownst to me, the end of my protest was immediately followed by my mother's counterpoints. I snapped back to attention somewhere towards the end.

"-can't give up on it, sweetie. I know you've never really clicked with anyone, but have you ever truly tried to? The older you got, the more you did at home, the less you sought social relationships. It was a whole new level of selfish when I was so… happy that you loved being here, with me, so much, that we are extraordinarily close," she tapered off with a heaving sigh, and her hands came up to grip my shoulders.

"I will, however, say this," her hands tightened on my shoulders and her eyes snapped onto mine, their ferocity coming out of left field. "You _will_ find your people, Bella. I swear to you, you will. You are _kind_. You are _intelligent_. You have _passion_ and you are _so brave_, Bella. You have the beauty on the inside to match the beauty on the outside. You've proven to be a little picky," she smiles, her hands coming up to cup my face once more, "but there are people who _do_ love you and people who _will_ love you."

"I already know of one person who absolutely adores you in Forks. Maybe there's a few more waiting to find you," she smiled, her eyebrows waggling, but her eyes shining with hope and affection.

I forced myself to smile back, seriously doubting her hopes, but reflecting on her words. Much to my chagrin, I can't dispute them. It'd been a long time since I'd genuinely tried to connect with someone. The last time had to be in elementary school, at least. There had been a quiet boy whose name I never quite caught in High School with whom I always shared a lunch table. We protected each other, in a way, but it had never been friendship. I never pursued one and neither did he. Neither of us liked a fuss. We were happily invisible. I doubt this would change in Forks.

"Yeah," I agreed weakly, "Maybe. I still don't like the thought of leaving you alone, though," I frowned, stepping back from where she'd started excitedly slapping at my shoulders.

At my words, she calmed considerably, a small smile claiming her mouth, eyes softening shyly and a blush spreading across her cheeks and nose.

"What?" I choked out.

Was she seriously being bashful right now? My mother is many things- vibrant, silly, excitable- but never bashful. She's too bright a character for such a timid emotion.

"Well," she took a deep breath, her smile growing to a beam of sunshine from her tanned face, "do you remember Phil, sweetie?"

Phil. Yes, I remembered Phil. Minor League Baseball star, young, happy, passionate. Nice enough. Very similar to Renee. I'd been introduced to him after they'd been dating for quite a few months during his off season. He moved to Jacksonville Florida for the game, leaving my heartbroken mother behind.

I nodded my affirmative, keeping my face neutral. Why was she mentioning Phil?

"After he moved to Jacksonville, we kept in touch. It started off as friends, but neither of us could take it," red overtook her face. "We've been together for almost two years, and I am completely in love with him. Bella… I'm going to ask him to marry me."

It was quiet for a moment as I absorbed what she'd revealed to me. He was young, he travelled all the time, and he had an easy smile. Classic Renee's type. Her impending proposal shocked me, as she's not very fond of the idea of marriage after her and dad split. It felt too soon, too out of nowhere, but her eyes were shining. Her smile was the widest I'd ever seen it. Her voice was hiding none of the love she held for Phil from me.

"I'm- I'm so happy for you!" I stuttered out, lunging forward in a hug to hide the reservations I had in my eyes.

"Thanks, hun!" The relief in her voice was palpable. I was glad.

"So… Will he be settling down, or will you be travelling with him?" I asked, a weight pressing into my stomach as I felt the only life I knew slipping through my fingers.

"If he says yes, we'd talk about it, but I'd probably move down to Florida with him and travel as he does."

And there it was. Maybe she hadn't meant to let me know, but my life as I know it had fallen apart with that decision. Did she suggest I move in with Charlie just to get me out of the way? No, that's too vindictive for her. Was her desire to start her life with Phil the only reason the thought ever crossed her mind? Most definitely.

The weight that had pressed into my stomach punched all the way through as I realized I'd all but lost the role of caretaker in my mother's life. She doesn't need me anymore. She had Phil. The hole left from the punch radiated the emptiness throughout my body and I felt lonelier than I ever had, which was a hard feat to accomplish.

I forced a smile onto my face. If she saw how badly that little statement affected me, she would never go through with it. I couldn't drag her happiness down like that.

"Wow," I said. My smile felt plastic and my voice came out in a raspy whisper. "He'd be an absolute idiot to say anything but yes."

I hugged her, then, as tightly as I could. Though this wasn't the exact moment it was all ending, I can already feel myself curling away to protect myself from any further wounds. I squeezed her one last time, holding onto her like a lifeline before I abruptly let go.

"Thanks, sweetie," my mother said softly, no small amount of guilt coursing through her voice.

So she did know how this was affecting me. Huh. Confusion budded as the pain grew, but I ignored it.

"I'm," I had to swallow around my dry throat before I could walk away from her, "I'm going to go call Charlie, then."

"Okay, sweetie," she said as I walked away, her voice an odd mixture of sadness and hope.

I reached the phone and took a moment to compose myself before reaching up to call Charlie. Every ring entered the void in my stomach and echoed around before fading into the next ring. After what had to be an eternity of ringing, I hear rustling.

**Okay, guys! That's just the little introductory chapter into the characterization and changes in plot in this fic! The chapters will all be considerably longer than this one as it progresses! I went through and tried to make all my tenses uniform, so sorry for any mistakes I made!**

**Reviews are accepted and appreciated!**

**Thank you!**


End file.
